Listening to: Kagirinai Yokubou no Naka ni - "In limitless desire, there are also unspeakable sacrifices". I love that line. Because I'm not going to have a family or anything, I'm going to become an admiral, and then the president, and I think a husband and kids will get in the way of my career (especially with my goddamn submission thing but hopefully that will wear off. If it doesn't the only way to keep my life and sanity will be to be completely celibate)

I think I got a Trojan off IRC, becase DALnet won't let me on, but even though I'm clean according to numerous virus scanners, it won't let me back on. I'm hoping the ban just hasn't worn off yet, because that means that eventually it will. Also that I don't actually have a virus.

My German dictionary won't tell me if you're supposed to say "deine" or "dein" but it did tell me that "ich bin dein" means "I am yours". WHAT an incredibly useful thing to say! NOT. If I can ever go to Germany, it might be useful to know which "your" to use in "where is your bathroom" (or, alternatively, "where is your vodka", but that word is not in the dictionary either) but I will most likely not want to tell anyone in Germany "I am yours".
Bernfeld made an entry at Monday, April 22, 2002, 06:46 p.m.

Listening to: Do As Infinity - Fukai Mori (Inu Yasha)
I always think of this as Sesshoumaru's song because of the ending sequence. Sesshoumaru is the best reason to watch IY.

Iowa is a very boring place. Maybe not all of it i, but certainly a big house in the sticks with your obsessive-compulsive grandparents is. They have so much stuff in their house it's not even funny but they won't let you use any of it. I found an unopened model of the USS New Jersey that I wanted to build but they wouldn't let me, even though it was just sitting in their basement and they didn't know where it had come from.

I got E'S 1 (have I mentioned that before?). It's a little hard to understand but pretty good. Of course Eiji is great (I love bad guys!!! And he is hot) but I really like the twins(siblings?) Shenron and Shinruu too, they are both so cute!


Bernfeld made an entry at Saturday, April 20, 2002, 09:00 p.m.

Listening to: Rammstein - Seemann (I must learn German. I love that language. My father taught me how to say I love you and it sounds really evil) While I am too busy suffering the afteraffects of play practice and school interviews and bad math teachers to be truly coherent, I must say one thing in response to Isa-san's rant on fanfic. If everyone likes the pairings because they're popular, then probably the authors are also fans and like seeing them. Also if you're talking about the popular stuff on Clampesque, Kouri's Ashes at least screws with the people a little. Genesis everyone is sort of ending up the way you expect them to (have not read the most recent 3) but the writing is really really good and it has such kawaii funny bits! But admittedly, I am a SxS fangirl so I'm biased, and with my control issues I'm even more biased towards Ashes.

In other news I have a screaming friend who thinks I have a fetish for Q from Star Trek the next generation. He interrupted me during my play parctice to tell me this all important news and I was late in my entrance and got all off balance and forgot things....so did everyone else but I hate that!!
Bernfeld made an entry at Tuesday, April 9, 2002, 11:00 p.m.

アナタノコトガキライワケナイケド
「スキ」ッテイッテマケルツモリハナイ
セカイヲシハイシテシアワセデイラレルケド
アナタノアシモトニヒザマズクホウガシアワセノカモシレナイ

There's no reason I should hate you
But I'm not going to say "I love you" and lose
I can be happy controlling the world
But I might be happier kneeling at your feet

Bernfeld made an entry at Sunday, April 7, 2002, 03:01 p.m.

Listening to: Hitori Jime (Card Captor Sakura) - Gumi

If I never become an officer, I want to be a manga/djka.
Bernfeld made an entry at Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 09:23 p.m.

Listening to: Hitotsu Dake (Card Captor Sakura) - Tange Sakura (Kinomoto Sakura)
Anata ga kurete mirai no kakera ga ima koko ni hikatteru kara...

I stayed home from school today because I have a cold. My head feels like it weighs about three hundred pounds. I just watched original Star Trek. I forgot how much I love that show. I haven't watched it much since I became a crazed yaoi fangirls so I didn't know how slashable everyone is. Methinks my favourite is Spock/Bones. Even my mother understands where I'm coming from on that one although she wishes I would shut up. My brother, in response to my liberalness, is beconing conservative and hates slash.
Bernfeld made an entry at Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 07:57 p.m.

Listening to: Black Invader (Digimon Tamers)
Okay, I have never even watched Tamers once, I just like the song. And the Yamaki guy's Christmas song is sexy. This has evil-ish lyrics but the guy's voice singing it sounds a little wimpy for al the threatty stuff he's saying

Every time I start to think I am getting more sleep and less depressed, it gets worse. I haven't even really noticed the passage of time since Saturday. Also I kept waking up in the night last night and I had to squirt water in my ear. I found a fic with Barus in it but no POV fics. I would write one of him and one of A but I can't summon up the will to even do my homework. Just sit here and read porn. and sometimes talk to my friends. We found a Naval Academy catalogue and you can't go there if you have a learning disability. Or an undescended testicle. But we cared more about the LD part because we all have it and go to a school for kid who have it. them. Whatever. I think I am going to stop now before I say something really really stupoid
Bernfeld made an entry at Wednesday, March 20, 2002, 09:06 p.m.

Listening to: Shining Star(Digimon Adventure 02) - Kae Araki/Yuma Tokumitsu (Hikari/Tailmon)
Yes, I listen to Digimon songs. Haven't watched the show for a while, but some of the music is good, and a lot of it is just fun, even if not possessed of true musical merit.

Are there image songs on the X OST 2? Image songs are, like, my favorite things in the universe. I can't find a tracklist or anything for OST 2...even OST 1, other than eXdream and Secret Sorrow, I don't know anything about the music for X. I usually am obsessed with anime music, so that's different.

My brother had a Bar Mitzvah, and my parents made me wear a dress and girl shoes. I hate dresses but at least it was a nice looking one, as dresses go. I really hated the shoes though, I could barely walk to the car at the end. Why was I a girl? If I was a guy I could wear clothes that looked like I was a leader of men, instead of a dress, which was made for 'easy access'. I tried to get my mom to get me Navy dress whites, but she refused. I was upset, so I told all the people at the party about how I wanted dress whites, and I wore my camouflage hat that my Air Force-obsessed friend gave me. Unfortanately, most of the party was 13 year old boys throwing each other (literally) around the room, so I was far from the most embarrassing person there.

Has anyone ever read a fic about Barus from Clover? I like him. He squicks me. I don't think anyone else likes him though, probably because he squicks them too. "I have loving times with your severed right hand in my bed"... I guess I just like to be squicked. Maybe I'll write a fic but I'm really not good at it.

Does anyone know a server that will let you host MP3s? Not many, just a couple at once. I want to put up my current obsessed songs.
Bernfeld made an entry at Monday, March 18, 2002, 11:26 a.m.

Blah
Listening to: Koigokoro - Nanase Aikawa

I called one of my teachers a jerk because she told the principal I might be suicidal. The principal made me sit in the administrative building for two days without talking to anyone. Not that I didn't deserve it, but...not talking to anyone ought to help a depressed person, huh? Then my father made me redo an oral book report I froze up and got a 50 on a month ago. He's making me ask my teacher to give me a chance to do it again. He says the reason my grades have been dropping stems from this one report. It's true, but I hate getting exceptions made for me.

I showed Tokyo Babylon vol. 7 to my friend Miles, who took one look at the cover and started going "Look at all the crosses! It's sacreligious to Jesus! It must be the Japanese Pope!" (This is really loud kid). He showed it to Colin, who is one of the 2 guys I like (pathetic...) and a terific Catholic bigot. If I didn't like him, I'd hate him so much. He didn't really care though. Miles is just weird.

...Just for the record, I think I like SxS smut way too much.
Bernfeld made an entry at Thursday, March 14, 2002, 10:02 p.m.

Listening to: Deatte Shimatta - Okiayu Ryoutarou
Okiayu Ryoutarou is a god on earth. This is an uber sexy song. Well, a lot of it is the lyrics. But still ^^

Applying to private school in the Boston area is a lot like hell on earth. Last year I applied to seven schools and got rejected to all of them. This year I applied to six and have so far gotten two rejection letters, which I put on my door. The others should be in the mail now.

Last night I had a dream where there were two people in it, but the people changed partway through. The first part it was Subaru and Seishirou. Then it changed to me and some who was supposed to be a friend of mine, but doesn't actually exist in real life. Seishirou was taking Subaru down a street and at each ouse, he would say things about the inhabitants of the houses. At a couple of houses there were women in the front yards and Subaru commented to Seishirou on how beautiful they were. That pissed Seishirou off.

Clover is a really good manga. I finally guilted my father into taking me to Sasuga and buying me books 2-4, plus mail-ordering vol. 1 of E'S. Does anyone know about that series? All I know is the art is good and Eiji is hot.
I like Suu. A real person would never be blank like that, but she's sort of an archetype or something. (I'm not quite sure of what I'm saying...)
I don't quite know why everyone in the series likes Kazuhiko. He's not bad or anything. He just doesn't interest me that much, and his tiny glasses are annoying.
Oruha seemed like kind of a slut at first, but I like her. Plus I can't stop staring at her hair. I have never seen an anime character with hair like that.
Ran is so uber cool! And kawaii! ,,,but everyone thinks that. ::sighs:: I hate being one of the masses. But he is a really interesting character. (I haven't even read all of vol. 4 yet, just summaries.)
Gingetsu is a little underdeveloped, but I like him anyway. If I was Ran...ok, never mind.
Bernfeld made an entry at Sunday, March 10, 2002, 09:34 p.m.

Listening to - Nanase Aikawa - OOOO?

I love Nanase Aikawa now. My favourite songs are Yume Miru Shoujo ja Irarenai, Hikari to Kage no Labyrinth and OOOO?. I tried to translate OOOO? tonight but I just ran into so many things I didn't understand that I gave up. :(

Your SxS before/after comic was funny. Ecchi, but funny. I really liked the "brand recognition" one though. I give my deepest compliments to your 'smugly smoking post-coital cigarette chibi Seishirou'. That is the cutest thing on earth!!

This is the first day it two weeks I haven't been incredibly depressed after school :) I should go get something done, like answer my E-mail already. Or geez, do my schoolwork. My principal (bitch!!) seems to think I'm behind in half my classes, although I've yet to discover which classes. (This is the same principal that made one of my friends eat lunch with her for a week and threatened to kick him out of school because he said "crap".) As far as I know, I'm not missing any work, but whatever.

I'm still searching frantically for Ai no Kusabi. It's kind of sad, actually, how hard I try. At least I've almost got the first one.

Liking SxS is so not bad! Stuff like SuxF, SeixF, SxK are good, but SxS is what I fell in love with as soon as I read X and TB. I haven't been in the fandom that long (been lurking for a while, but not as long as most of you) so maybe I haven't had enough chance to get bored with it, but I still love it!

My mother says that X itself is a gay soap opera. Youre just taking it to the next level :) Nothing wrong with that!!
Bernfeld made an entry at Thursday, March 7, 2002, 07:54 p.m.

Listening to: Adesso e Fortuna - Yumi Touma
I like the way she sings "Io sono prigonera" even though I've no clue if it even means anything

I am taking time out of being depressed for no reason and doing nothing to rant. Reading other people rant just makes me want to do it back, even here in my little corner where no one hears.

I do think it's pointless to just stick characters in "seme" and "uke" roles because that's what you do (although I sometimes do it unconsciously). But I don't think they're inherently bad. And every time I hear some variant of "they're boys, not girls, so write them like boys", I can't help but take it a little personally. Do girls have a monopoly on being emotional and on taking the submissive role? Are boys all pushy and dominant? I think you will find plenty of boys who aren't, especially in their private life. Conversely, is it being "like a girl" to be weepy and submissive? Sure, some girls are. But some aren't.
One of the personal reasons I like yaoi is because I am a walking issue about gender roles, sexual and otherwise. If it's a man and a woman together, their roles will have been defined and expected from the day they were born. They can break those roles, but the fact remains that pretty much any society will be expecting the guy to be on top, so to speak, and so will the couple. The woman might just be submissive be default, because that's what she has been shown her entire life. As the woman in this couple, even if I wanted the guy to be dominant, I couldn't let that happen, because instead of fighting unfair roles, I would be conforming to them.
But if it's a guy and a guy, even if their relationship is really messed up like the ones in X, at least they started from the same point. At the moment I am at a loss for a really good example of a yaoi relationship that doesn't include a lot of death and pain, because that tends to kind of mess you up no matter how you started. But when I find one, I'm going to come back and rant about it.

As an aside, I have decided that Clover is really good. I'm trying to get my parents to take me to Sasuga to get 2-4, but they won't, because my brother's Bar Mitzvah is in only two weeks and they don't have time for anything else. Even though I've been having a nervous breakdown for the past two weeks and am incredibly depressed, they're too busy to deal with that. Maybe if I haven't died from lack of caring if I eat, drink, or sleep, they'll get back to me after the Bar Mitzvah.
Bernfeld made an entry at Monday, March 4, 2002, 04:57 p.m.

Listening to: Ayumi Hamasaki - A Song for XX
I don't really like Ayumi Hamasaki in general, but I love this song for some reason. I've got it on constant repeat

First off, I'm really sorry about your mother. I don't actually know you and there's not anything I can really say anyway, but...

I have nothad a very good week. I have not slept, which makes me pissy and depressed, and I get in trouble, and that makes it worse. The principal thinks I'm suicidal, but I'm not really, I'm just randomly depressed.

My Japanese teacher gave me Clover 1. The shelves around my computer desk are beginning to look like a shrine to CLAMP. However, Clover is harder to understand (both in terms of language and storyline) than any other manga I've read. It's surreal though, so I like it.

I'm trying to download Ai no Kusabi from the abomination known as WinMX, which will probably result in me staying up late again tonight, even though that is pathetic.

Scanned a bunch of my fanart. I just draw in class because I'm bored, but some of it's passable.

The fanart, because 0catch is a jerk

Yes, I would love design help, but first I'll need to find an image host, because 0catch doesn't allow hotlinking (as I discovered) and Geocities hates me :(
Bernfeld made an entry at Thursday, February 28, 2002, 08:25 p.m.

Listening to: Kooritachi no Pride (Fushigi Yuugi) - Atsuko Tanaka (Soi)
I love this song. It's one of the first songs in Japanese I heard.

It's my birthday! Yay me! I'm 16, now people will hire me. Before you're sixteen, the only job you can have around here is being a grocery store bagger, which is so incredibly boring, and terrible when you're depressed because you have nothing else to think about. (Most people would be exited about driving a car, but no...)

My family didn't get me any presents, because I didn't tell them what I wanted (I don't really want anything... except maybe SxS doujinshi... and I don't know if I want my parents getting involved in my obsessions.) My grandparents gave me a lot of money, though. My friends gave me a bonsai tree, a model PT boat, and BDUs. The guy I like gave me a bendy dog.

I could have lived, perfectly happily, my entire life, without ever, once hearing about "God's tight ass". My mother and me were just talking about God/the Devil the other night, I can't remember why, but not seriously. I think she was scared just from the mention of it, so I spared her my musings on who would be seme. But now I'm sort of scared too (even though I only skimmed them...)

The sex scene in Ashes was incredibly, incredibly...eeep. (That is a good thing. Very good.) And I don't like SxK either. I can see them in some kind of communion of souls, because they can probably understand each other better than anyone else can. But I don't like the general Healing through Buttsex scenarios. That scene, however, was in no way the stuff I hate. It was nyummy. ::Wants SxS, because SxS is my giant, overwhelming obsession::
Bernfeld made an entry at Saturday, February 23, 2002, 09:55 p.m.

Re: Genesis 7
You should.
Bernfeld made an entry at Thursday, February 21, 2002, 11:17 a.m.

Listening to: Nanase Aikawa - Yume Miru Shoujo ja Irarenai
Download

That's the newest song I have become completely obsessed with. I love "I want to be embraced on a more violent night" and "I want to drown in a wonderful lie". Although that first doesn't quite lend itself to the English language.

No, no one's given me any tips. It won't load images from Geocities, I think. I've got an account with 0catch that I'm testing to see if images will load from there. I'm just basically not a good webpage designer, too, so I'm worried that a design with text or collages and such will look ostentatious. BTW, there is absolutely nothing wrong with porn in chapters. In fact, if you don't post said porn in chapters soon, I may be driven to extreme lengths.

Just as a random comment, there is no word for "possessive" in the Japanese language. At least, none that I know. There's possessive as in mine, yours, his etc. but not as in "he is possessive.". Which is frustrating in my attempts to talk to Japanese SxS fangirls.

Speaking of which, Japanese Subaru porn. With pixelated genitalia. I translated the little paragraph of smut underneath it. Waah...I loved reading that, but I get very embarrassed actually writing an English translation, even though it's only a weeny paragraph thing...there's some longer ones I could translate, but apparently I'm afraid of writing porn. :(
Bernfeld made an entry at Wednesday, February 20, 2002, 04:38 p.m.

Listening to: Yuri Shiratori - Romance no Mori (Magic Knight Rayearth), which is too peppy, but all right.

Which Revelation Original Character Are You?

Listening to: Shanghai Baby (Chara)

I'm on a Chara kick. Her voice is... different, and some of her song lyrics are completely random and impossible to translate. This one repeats "Let's play, using a piano as a bed" many times.

I went to a long party at my friend's house. My friends are all nutty boys, no dancing here, we frolicked in the woods and played war games. They lent me some camouflage. It was fun.

On canon in fanfics: I don't think it's something to get uptight about. If your fic is way off canon (Like if Seishirou and Kakyou run off together and foster a brood of peace-loving marsupials) then it might as well be original. But if the characters and events are an interpretation of canon, or something that could spring off canon, as long as the characters bear resemblance to themselves, it's good. ...I'm too tired to write anything serious. I'll just say if everything was perfect canon, I wouldn't have Dominant!Seishirou and Submissive!Subaru.

...I'm writing antisocial things again.
Bernfeld made an entry at Friday, February 15, 2002, 10:39 p.m.

I hate Valentines day
Listening to: Sayonara So Long (Tokyo Babylon)
I need the Japanese lyrics to this song. It's really hard to understand, and then when I do understand parts I'm like, Waai! Actually, it wasn't too bad this year. I just don't like it when I angst and stare at the person I like (this year it's people , too) and they are really clueless for like, the third year in a row. One of my friends guilted me into playing Starcraft after play practice, so now I have to stay up until practically midnight doing my homework.

X16 is the best volume. I knew whet happened, but this is the first time I've seen it in all it's glory. I drooled over it for hours and put quotes from it on my list of good quotes (which is mostly from cheesy songs).

典sugunaenai Tsumi wa tashika ni aru kedo...hito o aishicha ikenai hito nante inai wa.� 摘ven though there are certainly unforgivable sins...there痴 no such thing as a person who can稚 love anyone.� -Hokuto

I've been saying things like that for years. Not exactly that, but more that even really evil people must have done something good, even if it doesn't match up to the severity of their crimes. That's what I thought when I saw that written.

徹re nara, jibun ga tokubetsu da to omotteiru aite ga hoka no dareka ni korosareru nante yurusenai. Douse shinu nara, ore no kono te de kanarazu korosu.� 的f it were me, I wouldn稚 allow the person that I thought of as special to be killed by anyone else. If they had to die, I would kill them with my own hands.� -Fuuma

Fuuma x Kamui! is the thought that gave me. Because he's always saying "Omae wa...ore ga...korosu." And Fuuma x Kamui is so nice! (Yes, don't we all love the sadomasochism...) But then, I thought, Fuuma's salway saying how he'll kill Kakyou, too. And Fuuma x Kakyou is nice too...they don't even need sadomasochism. Fuuma just sort of holds Kakyou's wirsts and Kakyou looks stricken. But no matter who it is for, I like it. It's love, but it's really twisted love.

And more twistedness...through all of X, during all the happy-smiley-Subaru x Kamui scenes, I've been like "blah...boring...". But then, Kamui kneels in front of Subaru's chair. And puts his head on his knee. And I go, "Ooh, SxK." That just shows my twisted mind!

"Hito ga shinu chokuzen ni iu kotoba wa shinjitsu na no ka na...Soretomo uso na no ka na?" "Are the words that people say before they die the truth...or are they lies?" -Subaru

Subaru's not like Fuuma, I don't think the 'killing the person he loves' thing especially appeals to him. And even though he wanted to be killed...(By the way, that is screaming SxS to me).

Someday, my shame will take leave of me and I will write an SxS lemon. With Uber-Uke!Subaru. And Seme!Seishirou. Because I want Seishirou.
Bernfeld made an entry at Thursday, February 14, 2002, 10:36 p.m.

I hate Brian Mitchell
Listening to: Peony Pink (CLAMP Gakuen Tanteidan)

If you don't want to read my rant which has no relation to anything else, don't read this message.

If your name is Brian Mitchell, and you didn't write books about how women are degrading the military, I apologize and pity you for sharing his name. I am reading his book "Women in the Military: Flirting with Diasater" for a report on women in the military. The book includes such things as how putting women in positions of student leadership at the service academies "creates the presumption that women can command troops" and how "it's tough to discipline a soldier when she blinks her baby-blue eyes or slips you a dimple".

I didn't mean to start on a political-type rant as soon as I got this thing, but that guy just makes me want to commit homicide.
Bernfeld made an entry at Monday, February 11, 2002, 08:10 p.m.

Listening to: Who's That Boy(Tokyo Babylon) - Seiko

I'm sorry, I assumed. I'm all inescure about this 'talk to people on the internet' stuff. Even though I use it all the time to get free anime, I don't usually make my presence known when not trying to get something.

And well, I wouldn't know about Duck Tales, but I'm still into Transformers. I was too young to be around when they were first popular, but somehow I saw them and was like "Yay! Megatron's cool!". And then grew up and found Megatron/Starscream slash and was scared. :P

Why do images not work on this thing? Is it just Geocities it hates? If so, where doesn't it hate? If not, what the heck am I doing wrong? I hate HTML.It's as though it tries so hard to be simple that it's complicated.
Bernfeld made an entry at Monday, February 11, 2002, 07:21 p.m.

Listening to: Secret Entry (Angelic Layer) - Yukino Satsuki/Tamayo

Which X Pairing Are You?

And beneath it I got Fuuma/Kakyou and Fuuma/Kamui...what is it about me and abusive relationships?

::Kicks blog:: This pastel-colour thing makes me look like I'm 5 years old. I'll at least change the colours and add a pic, because this is sad.

Nobody forced you to link me. I just wanted to know if it was possible to become a crazed fangirl, or if you had to be one from the beginning.
Bernfeld made an entry at Monday, February 11, 2002, 03:58 p.m.

Listening to: Ooinaru Kaze no You ni - Kazuki Yao/Tasuki

Wai! Thanks for the link. BTW, I really like Revalation. Haven't got a chance to read chapter 22 yet, because 7 volumes of X just came in the mail and I am in a state of mindless staring.

Isa's fanfic scared me. In a good way, though. I do like the thing about not being held back from leaving, but unable to leave. I generally don't like SxK because I'm a huge SxS shipper, but that was well done.
Bernfeld made an entry at Saturday, February 9, 2002, 03:01 p.m.

Bernfeld has a blog
I finally got one of these things. I guess I wanted to be able to respond to things other people say on their blogs. Does anyone want to give me some tips on layout? I can't seem to do it at all About me. I am obsessed with anime/manga in general and CLAMP in particular. In my free time I'm usually on the internet. I like translating Japanese SxS lemons, when I can find them. Okay, I just like SxS lemons. Well I hope I don't alienate the whole world. Also that someone finds this blog.
Bernfeld made an entry at Thursday, February 7, 2002, 10:21 p.m.